My horse has a hole in her heart.
Okay maybe not in her heart but in her chest. Which may be a weird image to understand, maybe you have to see it. But in her chest, on the left side, near her shoulder-there is a gap, a space, a void.
Sometimes I put my hand in it, or the leadrope, or something I find-but it never actually mends the gap but just temporairly fills it.
I laugh as I think of everything I have learned from this little horse. Truly, I don’t think I have learned so much from something as I have from her.
But I can say, one of the hardest things to fill, is a void.
And that’s the thing, we seek so often to fill that void in our hearts rather than let it be mended. We see it as something that must be filled so we will no longer feel empty, alone, hopeless and unsatisfied. So we try to find something, anything, that may fill it in.
For we were created with a gap in our chest. Just like Agape has one, so do we. Now I’m not sure why she has it, I think it’s from an accident when she was a baby but regardless of how it came to pass, it is a reminder to me that I can no longer try to fill the void in my heart with anything, for it will never take the place of what should be there. And just like you and me, I’m not sure how we have this hole in our hearts, but I know one thing-nothing we could ever try to place in it, can mend it together.
Just like Agape’s void, nothing but flesh and blood could mend it back together..nothing but His hand can mend it back together. For when I look at it, I picture Jesus standing with me, placing His hand over it and smiling as He says, “It is finished.” And as He removes His hand, the gap is no longer there.
I picture that with my heart too. For I have tried pretty much anything to fill that void in my own heart. I have sought addictions, bad habits, men and work to try to fill that hole in my heart…and yet nothing ever stuck, nothing ever filled it long enough for me to truly be whole, untile I met Jesus.
For when we feel as though we are missing something. We may not even know that we are missing something in our lives but subconsciously we do, because we try to fill our lives with countless things in attempt to disguise this emptyness in our hearts. We seek to find thrills, pleasure, or numbness in attempt to fill in that gaping hole-however it hasn’t worked and never will.
Whether it be friends, relationships,work, addictions or habits-the list could go on-we try to place something inside that void in our hearts, hoping to make us whole again.
But without letting Him who that hole is for fill it, we will be left trying to find out what it is-whether seeing it as loneliness and trying to find someone to fill it. Or seeing it as a need that I have to fill and seek drugs, sex, food, video games or other addictions. I could see it as fears and inseccurities, thinking I’m not good enough and am missing something that everyone else has and trying to make myself better or buy better things to make up for my lack.
Truthfully, the list could go on about what tha void could be in each of our own lives. And I can say for me, it was many of these things. Instead of realizing it was Jesus that I needed to fill that gaping hole in my heart, I sought the things in which I could physically attain to make me feel at least something other than emptyness. Instead of looking to Jesus who could simply place His hand over my heart and heal it, mending it together-I sought to tear it further apart.
For I believe that’s what sin does. We are tempted to choose things other than Jesus to fill that void and in doing so, we hope that we will fill it, that we will be satisfied and we will be whole again-but it works the opposite way. It leaves us even more broken, lost and hopeless. The hole gets bigger, our need for what we have begun to fill it with get’s greater and our heart becomes even more fragile than before. I believe that happens because we are seeking everything but that whom the hole is created for to be filled by. Only Jesus can mend that hole and truly satisfy us-He is our living water, He is the truth, He is the way-anything or anyone else will only lead us deeper away from that who can bring us into new life.
As I look at Agape and the gap in her chest, I am reminded of my great need for Jesus. That when I seek Him in times when I feel that void, He can simply place His hand over it and mend it back together. For it is not a one time thing but daily pursuit of waking up and acknolwedging that He is King and besides Him everything else will leave us empty and without hope.
For even if Agape’s hole, nothing I could ever try could mend it and make her hole again. Just like in my own heart, I cannot mend it myself but I need flesh and blood…and that is exactly what Jesus came to earth in flesh and blood to do so-to mend that void in our hearts with Himself.
“Jesus answered them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.” Luke 5:31
For if I see anything else to fill that void, it will leave that hole, stretched, broken and even harder to fill by the things I am trying to fit in it-for it wasn’t made for the things of this world, but for Him who made me.
I am thankful for it actually, because it is a reminder everyday that I need Jesus. That without Him I am hopeless, broken and empty-without His love and presence, I am lost and fragile and without Him-that hole gets bigger. However I thank the Lord that with Him that isn’t the case, for with Him, He gently places His hand over my gaping chest and mends it, fills it, and makes me whole.
May you come to acknowledge that hole in your own heart-may you not ignore it, or try to fill it with all the things that only leave you more unsatisfied and broken. May you come to Him who is the source of true fulfillment and life and let Him touch your broken heart and mend your heart with His own flesh and blood.
You are loved. And you are worth more than the things you have been seeking to fill that void. And may you realize that no matter how deep, how wide or how broken that hole may be in your own heart, nothing is too great in which the Lord’s hand cannot mend.